The Family Business

INTRO

1. 0:03Hermes: herald, thief, ghost guide, god of the road;
2. 0:11first pour, every feast? Aunt Hestia:
3. 0:15first in, last out. Now the rest of ya:
4. 0:17talk fast? I'm the god of it. Speedrun. Go!

Hermes: herald, patron of thieves and travelers, guide of the dead. Hestia, goddess of the hearth, got the first offering at every feast. Kronos's firstborn: first swallowed, last thrown up.

VERSE 1

1. 0:27First, Chaos: not a mess, a gap. Its kid? Nyx:
2. 0:29Night had Death, Sleep, three Fates, Strife, to name six.

In Hesiod, Chaos means "gap," not disorder. Its child Night (Nyx) had Death, Sleep, the Fates, Strife and more.

1. 0:30Second came Earth: my great-grandma, Gaia.
2. 0:32She made Sky solo, married the guy. Uh...
3. 0:34Uranus, Great-Grandpa Sky, buried these:
4. 0:35twelve Titans, three Cyclopes,
5. 0:37three Hundred-Handers, fifty heads apiece.

Gaia bore Sky (Uranus) alone, then married him. He shoved their children back inside the Earth.

1. 0:39Earth: "Who's in?" "No. No. No. Please."
2. 0:41"Me!" Youngest: Granddad Kronos.
3. 0:42Took the job. The sickle? Signing bonus.
4. 0:44Blood: Furies. Foam: Aphrodite. Zeus? Not yet. Bye!
5. 0:46WINNER: KRONOS! SON OF THE SKY!

Only Kronos, the youngest Titan, dared to attack Uranus with Gaia's sickle. The blood made the Furies, and Aphrodite rose from the sea foam, so here she's older than Zeus. WINNER calls copy how heralds announced Olympic champions: name, father, city.

HOOK

1. 0:481:16That's the family business:
2. 0:521:19the son takes the throne.

VERSE 2

1. 0:54Granddad weds his sis, Grandma Rhea.
2. 0:56"Your kid will beat you." His idea:
3. 0:57gulp every baby: Hestia, Demeter,
4. 0:59Hera, Hades, Poseidon. Gulp. Baby-eater.
5. 1:01Kid six? Swaddled rock. Real kid? Dad: Zeus.
6. 1:02Spiked drink: puked rock, then five kids. Loose.

Warned a son would overthrow him, Kronos swallowed each child. Rhea gave him a swaddled stone for the sixth and hid baby Zeus on Crete. Grown, Zeus made him throw up the stone, then five siblings, using Metis's drug (Apollodorus).

1. 1:04Hundred-Handers rock Titans: ten-year war.
2. 1:06Loot drop! Cyclopes: Dad's bolt. Score!
3. 1:08a trident for Uncle Poseidon,
4. 1:09for Uncle Hades, a cap no eye can spy on.
5. 1:11Titans: Tartarus. Styx: oath that owns us.
6. 1:13WINNER: ZEUS! SON OF KRONOS!

Zeus freed the Cyclopes, who forged his thunderbolt (in Apollodorus, also Poseidon's trident and Hades's invisibility cap), and the Hundred-Handers, whose boulders sent the Titans to Tartarus. Styx joined Zeus first, so gods swear by her river.

CHORUS (x3)

1. 1:222:374:07Zeus, Hera, Demeter, Poseidon!
2. 1:232:394:08Dad's sibs: sky, queen, grain, sea!
3. 1:252:404:09Athena, Apollo, Artemis, Hermes!
4. 1:262:424:11Dad's kids, three moms: brains, twins, me!
5. 1:282:444:13Hephaestus, Aphrodite, Ares,
6. 1:302:454:14Dionysus: forge, love, war, party!
7. 1:322:474:16Twelve on Olympus!
8. 1:332:484:17Hades? Downstairs. Not on the list!

The Twelve Olympians. Zeus's kids Athena, Apollo, Artemis and Hermes have three moms: Metis, Leto (the twins) and Maia. Hades lives in the underworld, so he's off the list. Some ancient lists swap Hestia for Dionysus.

VERSE 3

1. 1:49Last wife: Hera. My aunt's my stepmom. Bless us.
2. 1:51Solo son: Hephaestus. Built robots. Best of us.

In Hesiod, Hera is Zeus's seventh and last wife, and had Hephaestus alone to match Zeus making Athena alone. In the Iliad he builds golden servants that walk and talk: early robots.

1. 1:53Hera banned Leto. Delos broke the veto:
2. 1:55Apollo shot Python. Delphi? His. Neato.
3. 1:56Sun? Helios. Huntresses? His sis, Artemis.

Jealous Hera kept Leto from giving birth on land; the island of Delos took her in. Apollo killed the serpent Python and took Delphi's oracle. The sun god is Helios; Apollo became "the sun" only later.

1. 1:58Me? Mom's Maia, Atlas's girl. Born at dawn;
2. 1:59noon: lyre; night: Apollo's fifty cows, gone,
3. 2:01backward. "Born yesterday!" Dad laughed at the con.

Homeric Hymn to Hermes: born at dawn, he made a lyre from a tortoise shell by noon, and that evening stole fifty of Apollo's cattle, walking them backward to fake the tracks. Accused, he pleaded he was born yesterday. Zeus laughed.

1. 2:03My son Pan: goat, "panic." Satyrs? Horse tails, hairy.
2. 2:05Boss: Dionysus, twice-born. Cross him? Scary.
3. 2:06Jarred thirteen months: not-so-scary Ares.

Pan, half goat, is Hermes's son, and "panic" comes from his name. Vase satyrs have horse tails; goat legs came later. Dionysus was born from Semele, then again from Zeus's thigh. In the Iliad, two giants jarred Ares; Hermes sneaked him out.

1. 2:08Dad gave my half-sis Persephone to Hades.
2. 2:10Her mom's strike: winter. One seed: a third below.

Homeric Hymn to Demeter: Zeus promised Persephone to Hades without asking her mother, whose grief stopped the crops. One pomegranate seed meant a third of each year below; "six months" is later.

1. 2:11First wife: Metis. "Your kid will beat you." Dad: "Oh?"
2. 2:13"Beat this." Gulp. Runs in the family. Crack:
3. 2:15out jumps Athena: armor, war cry. Attack!

Zeus got his father's prophecy, so he swallowed his pregnant first wife, Metis. Athena later burst from his head, armed and shouting.

HOOK

1. 2:17That's the family business:
2. 2:19not if you swallow the mom.

VERSE 4

1. 2:22Great-Uncle Prometheus stole fire. Dad: sore.
2. 2:25Chained. Eagle eats his liver. Respawns. Encore.
3. 2:27Pandora: first woman. Jar, not box. Hope? Hidin'.

Prometheus, Atlas's brother, stole fire in a fennel stalk. Each day an eagle ate his liver; each night it grew back. Hermes named Pandora, the first woman. Erasmus mistook her jar for a "box" in 1508. Only Hope stayed inside.

1. 2:29Final boss: Great-Grandma's last, Typhon:
2. 2:30took Dad's sinews. I stole 'em back, kid.
3. 2:32Wife: Medusa's sis. Every kid's mom: Echidna:
4. 2:34Cerberus, Hydra, Chimera: Dad's cousins!
5. 2:35Family business? Great-Grandma's out of sons.

Typhon, Gaia's last son, was Zeus's worst enemy. In Apollodorus he cut out Zeus's sinews, and Hermes stole them back. His mate Echidna, half snake and a sister of the Gorgons, bore Cerberus, the Hydra and the Chimera. Zeus buried Typhon under Mount Etna.

VERSE 5

1. 3:04Half-brothers, mortal moms. Threat? Zero.
2. 3:06First: Perseus, shower-of-gold hero.
3. 3:08Medusa: born a Gorgon, the one who could die.
4. 3:09Borrowed gear, my sickle. Head: bagged. Fly!
5. 3:11Out jumped cousin Pegasus. Yeah. A horse.

Zeus came to Danaë as a shower of gold. Medusa was the one mortal Gorgon, born a monster in the old stories; the cursed-maiden version is the Roman poet Ovid's. Hermes lent Perseus his sickle. Pegasus (Poseidon's son, so Hermes's cousin) sprang from Medusa's neck.

1. 3:13Heracles, "Hera's glory"? She hates him. Of course.
2. 3:14Twelve Labors. Nemean Lion? Choked.
3. 3:16Hesperides? Atlas: sky-yoked.

Heracles means "glory of Hera," yet Hera hounded him for life. Labor one: strangle the Nemean Lion, whose hide no blade could cut. Atlas fetched the Hesperides' golden apples while Heracles held the sky.

1. 3:18Two dads (a king, Poseidon): Theseus.
2. 3:20Minotaur? Dead. Labyrinth? Built by Daedalus.

Theseus's two fathers: King Aegeus of Athens and Poseidon. Daedalus built the Labyrinth for King Minos.

1. 3:22Jason: one sandal, Argo, Golden Fleece;
2. 3:23coach: Uncle Chiron, half-horse. Peace:
3. 3:25gave up forever: stars. No comeback.

Jason lost a sandal crossing a river, fulfilling a prophecy. The centaur Chiron, Kronos's son, trained him and Achilles. Hit by a poisoned arrow, Chiron gave up his immortality and was set among the stars.

1. 3:27Orpheus, Muse's son: sang past Charon. Looked back.

Orpheus, son of the Muse Calliope, sang his way to the underworld for his wife Eurydice. Looking back too soon and losing her is first told by the Roman poet Virgil, then Ovid and Apollodorus; in Plato the gods give him only a phantom of her.

BRIDGE

1. 3:29Dad and Poseidon chased Thetis.
2. 3:31Prophecy: "Your kid will beat you."
3. 3:33Both gods: "Delete this."
4. 3:35Mortal groom: Peleus.

Zeus and Poseidon both wanted the sea nymph Thetis until they heard her son would outdo his father, so she married a mortal, Peleus. Their son: Achilles.

VERSE 6

1. 3:38Eris: gold apple. "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!"
2. 3:40I walked three to Paris. Bribe: half-sis Helen. "Fine."
3. 3:42Menelaus, his bro Agamemnon: war.
4. 3:44Achilles: short life, big fame. Hector? No more.
5. 3:45Paris shoots; Apollo aims. Ankle. Then the con:
6. 3:47the Horse. My great-grandson: Odysseus. Troy: gone.

At Thetis's wedding, Eris tossed in a golden apple. Hera, Athena and Aphrodite all claimed it, and Hermes led them to Trojan prince Paris to judge. Aphrodite bribed him with Helen, Zeus's daughter and Menelaus's wife. Achilles chose a short, glorious life and killed Hector. In Apollodorus, Paris's arrow, guided by Apollo, hits his ankle; the Styx dip that left only his heel weak is a later Roman legend. Odysseus's wooden horse ended the war. His mom Anticleia was the daughter of Hermes's son Autolycus.

HOOK

1. 3:49That's the family business:
2. 3:51Achilles outdid his dad.

VERSE 7

1. 3:52Home took ten years. Stop three: cousin who'd eat us,
2. 3:54one eye, Uncle Poseidon's son: Polyphemus.
3. 3:56"Name?" "Nobody." Stake, eye. "Who hurt you?" "Nobody!"
4. 3:58WINNER: NOBODY!
5. 3:59Yells: ODYSSEUS! SON OF LAERTES!
6. 4:00OF ITHACA! Kid. My job, please!

At stop three, Odysseus told the man-eating Cyclops Polyphemus his name was Nobody and blinded him, so the other Cyclopes heard "Nobody is hurting me" and left. Then he shouted his real name, father and home, so Polyphemus could ask his father Poseidon for revenge. Announcing names is Hermes's job.

1. 4:02Circe: pigs, my moly. Sirens: wax. "Help me!"
2. 4:04Scylla. Skip this: Charybdis. Home: Penelope.

Circe turned his men into pigs; Hermes's herb moly protected Odysseus. Wax in the crew's ears got them past the Sirens, and he steered by six-headed Scylla to avoid the whirlpool Charybdis.

OUTRO

1. 4:31Granddad? Paroled: Blessed Isles. Who knew?
2. 4:33where heroes retire. Iron Age? That's you.
3. 4:36That's the family business:
4. 4:38the kid takes the throne.

Pindar and a line added to Hesiod say Zeus later freed Kronos to rule the Isles of the Blessed, where heroes go after death. Hesiod's ages: gold, silver, bronze, heroes, iron. Iron is ours.